Don’t say These Things to a Person with ADHD

We begin by defining what ADHD is. Later, we switch to a person called Kim who has wrestled with ADHD all her life. She tells about the way ADHD has held her back, from Elementary school to Retirement.

Everyone knows someone who has ADHD. It stands for Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder. What does this mean(1)?
1. They have a hard time paying attention.
2. They struggle with beginning a task.
3. They show impulsive behavior.
4. They don’t want to write it down.

Years ago, a friend offered to analyze some data on my laptop. But after 20 minutes, he said he couldn’t do anymore because he couldn’t concentrate. This was a puzzle for me, as I can easily concentrate for over an hour, sometimes 2-3 hours without stopping.

One mental health counselor(1), Bailey Pilant, who has experienced ADHD, has been told many times to write things down. She responds:
“I can write it down, and I’m still not going to remember because you can bet I’m going to lose that paper. I’m not going to remember I wrote it down, I’m not going to remember where I wrote it down, I’m not going to be able to find it, and then, just like that, it’s out of my head.”

Pilant suggests instead to provide a sympathetic comment, such as, “I can see how much effort it takes you to manage this. It sounds really hard.” Or a supportive comment, like, “What are the biggest challenges you deal with every day?”

Five Things not to say.

An article in Time Magazine(1) discusses five things that are best not to say to someone with ADHD, because they can be infuriating:
1. Are you sure you have ADHD? You don’t look like it.
When folks say this, they are minimizing a condition you are struggling with. Or worse, they are dismissing it. That can be hurtful, and make you feel insecure in your struggle.
2. Everybody struggles with ADHD.
Consider forgetfulness and tardiness, two symptoms of ADHD. But these are relatively common behaviors amongst people who don’t have ADHD. The key is forgetfulness and tardiness can be debilitating to people who have ADHD. If you mistakenly dismiss one of these two symptoms, and the legitimate struggle to deal with it, a person with ADHD can be hurt.
3. You are way too dramatic.
Folks with ADHD often display intense or overwhelming emotions, because they feel things more deeply. This can be good if they are creating art or music. But don’t tell an ADHD person to calm down because they are being overly sensitive or dramatic. This can come across as criticism and bust their self-confidence, making them less assertive in general.
4. You have so much potential, if you’d just try harder.
A comment like this misjudges the situation. To try harder or be more disciplined misses the mark for an ADHD person, who may be limited in these resources.
5. Can you stop fidgeting for one minute?
The truth is that fidgeting with fingers or small toys improve focus, which is so valuable for an ADHD person. This helps to control the nervous system to tune out distractions. The danger for a watcher is to confuse fidgeting with a lack of interest.

This list explains one event that has puzzled me for years. I was walking with a colleague when a situation came up that caught my attention. A line of cars was being held up and drivers were frustrated. I quickly understood the problem, and offered to intervene and speak to whoever was in charge of the holdup. I put on my assertive hat, and explained what I intended to do. My colleague became very intense, grabbed my arm, and tried to stop me.

I was confused by this, as I had negotiated with people in such predicaments many times. But my colleague became very dramatic, raised his voice, and tried to pull me away forcefully. Although I still wanted to do what I thought was right, I backed down reluctantly, and we walked away from the situation.

Postscript.

I’m the opposite to ADHD in one respect. I write everything down to remember it. In my last years in corporate BP, I would write reminder messages on post-it notes, and lay them on the floor of my office by the door. Many folks who hadn’t encountered this before would stop in my doorway and pick up these notes. I had to politely ask them to put the notes back on the floor, so I would walk on them and remember to deal with them.

Kim’s experience with ADHD.

These are the words of Kim McGrath, my step-daughter, who offered to summarize her experience of ADHD in four life stages.

Stage 1
I started noticing in 3rd grade that I had a hard time paying attention, especially during reading. I would be called on by the teacher to read and I wouldn’t know where we were, so the teacher would send me out in the hallway to sit.

Stage 2
I was very smart and a good student, especially in reading and math. I always made good grades. I noticed a decline in my grades and my learning style when I got into Middle School. I don’t know if it was having seven different classes with seven different teachers, and no recess. I didn’t understand how I could go from the top of the class all through Elementary School to struggling in Middle School, High School, and College. But I did notice that I did better in classes that were hands on and lots of movement.

The first I heard about ADD and ADHD was when I was in college learning to become a teacher. Finally, the lightbulb came on and I thought… THAT’S ME!

Stage 3
In my work, I loved being a first grade teacher and I put my heart and soul into my job. First grade was a perfect fit for me. My lessons were hands on and I incorporated lots of movement for the kids and me throughout the day. However, I can say I did struggle with filing, organization, and of course I didn’t care for all of the in-service days we had. After a day of teaching, it was hard for me to sit for another hour in a faculty meeting. When my brain was shut down, I was done!

After many years of loving teaching, I still had struggles with focusing and attending to the duties of teaching that I wanted to get done. I wanted to be good at everything, I just couldn’t — and this really frustrated me. I would become overwhelmed and neglect things that I needed to get done. I finally got on medication and I can honestly say it was life-saving. It felt like my brain and thoughts that were always going 90 miles an hour, finally slowed down… I could focus and breathe.

Stage 4
When I retired five years ago I felt like I didn’t need to be on medication anymore. So I got off my medication and I learned coping skills to help me focus, rather than feel anxious and overwhelmed.

When I drive a long distance, I always have to have mints, gum, sunflowers seeds, or popcorn. This gives me something to do and the mints help me relax especially if there is construction or lots of traffic. I always play a movie on Netflix on my phone like Momma Mia where I can listen to it and sing along with the songs. Even when I go to church, I have mints and gum in my purse to help me focus.

I still have a few projects that are unfinished because I get bored with them and stop. So what I do is, I have a calendar that I put one activity a day that I can focus on to complete and then I don’t get overwhelmed with a BIG list of things to get done.

I don’t need a lot of hours to sleep. When I get into bed, I have to have unwinding time. I watch reels on Tick Tock, and then watch a movie on my laptop until I can’t keep my eyes open. I also have to sleep with noise such as a loud fan or artificial rain sound on my laptop. If it is pure silence I can’t sleep at all.

I am open with family members about feeling overwhelmed about things or situations. And I know at times it’s hard for them to understand why I’m feeling that way – because they can’t see the chaos and mess in front of me.

Reference 1:
Time Magazine, January 26, 2026.
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Its full spring here in New Mexico and the trees are greening up and tossing their tiny flowery seeds into our allergic noses.
The Gray Nomad.
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Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
[Proverbs, chapter 4]